


Poison - Spencer Reid

by Sherrykinss



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24425035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sherrykinss/pseuds/Sherrykinss
Summary: Being cut off from a case because it’s too personal and then dealing with the consequences of disobeying orders.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Kudos: 44





	Poison - Spencer Reid

“You are not to inject yourself in the investigation. That is an order.” Hotch strictly said.

She was left stuck behind because she was “too close” to the case, which was just another way of saying that she her emotions were clouding her judgement. She turned angry, like it was poison that coursed through her veins. Her temper flared, causing a storm in everyone’s path. Her family was in danger and she couldn’t do anything about it. She hated that she was rendered useless. It felt even worse that the one person she highly looked up to, had cut her off. How could they not understand that she couldn’t just sit back and watch them work? The team had split off into teams to cover more grounds, but she knew exactly where the unsub would hide. She waited until they had left to sneak out. She knew disobeying orders would risk her job, but her family was priority.

“If you guys are not going to do something, I will.” She muttered under her breath.

Her heart raced with each meticulous step. Her surroundings were way too dark and there wasn’t a glimmer of light to help her see. It was quiet, almost too quiet, which made her more alert. Even though she was ridden with nerves, she was careful as she cleared each room. Once the living room was cleared, she moved onto the kitchen. In the back of her mind, she hoped she was wrong. If she was right, then she would be left without backup. She had turned around the corner, but before she could clear the room, she was struck in the back of her head. Her body collapsed onto the floor with a pained groaned, along with her gun.

Her eyes darted around the dark room to find the source of the assault, but her blurred vision failed to identify the target. Ridden with panic, her hands reached out and patted the floor in search of her gun. Before she could find her gun, she heard the cocking of a gun. She froze; her mind still in a dizzy haze.

“You shouldn’t have come alone.” A deep menacing voice said.

Before she could reply, a loud bang echoed in the quiet room. It didn’t register until she felt the sharp pain in her shoulder. The impact knocked her body flat against the cold tile floor. The blood soaked through her clothes, smearing all over the floor. She withered in pain, every single fiber of her body was screaming in agony.

“Now how does that feel?” The male unsub asked, in a voice laced with taunt.

The man squatted over her with a gun in one hand and a knife in the other. A shiver ran down her back as the cold gun traveled down her chest. Adrenaline ran through her body, allowing her hazy vision to focus more clearly. The only thing she could do is try to control her breathing.

“What do you want?” She hissed, engaging in conversation to distract him from her hand creeping towards her gun.

“Don’t even think about it.” He warned her, pressing the gun against her forehead.

Her hand stopped and retracted. She was going to have to rethink her strategy. While he held the gun to her head, the blade of his knife ran down to her ribs.

“What I want is to know why you’re here by yourself. Where is the rest of your team? Oh, don’t tell me. You’ve gone rogue.” He arrogantly smirked when he picked up on the twitch in her eyes.

“Oh this is too easy. Now, I would be wasting a good opportunity if I didn’t play.” He laughed.

Her eyes flashed of fear and she swallowed the lump in her throat. She knew what was coming and she had no one but herself to blame. She screamed in agony when he drove the knife painfully slow through her ribs. Her jaw clenched as a disgruntled cry erupted from her throat. Her body trembled as tears streamed down her face. She tried to dissociate to combat the torture, but the satisfied glint in his eyes only drove her to fight harder. His smirk only grew to a sinister grin as more blood-curdling screams escaped her lips when he twisted the knife.

Her hands curled into fists, nails digging deep into the flesh of her palms. She felt cold no matter how much her body shook, it wasn’t enough to generate warmth. Tears stream endlessly down her cheeks, but she fought to stay awake. She knew the minute her eyes closed, she would lose. She wasn’t going to go like this, not with him hovering over her with the most despicable grin.

All she could think about was the regrets she would have before she dies. She choked up when she thought of all the people she cared about and the ones she had hurt. She wouldn’t get the chance to fix things. It felt like her body was getting colder and colder. Her eyelids were getting heavier. She was just about to give up when the doors banged open. She heard Hotch shout FBI before breathed a sigh of relief. She told herself to hang on a little longer, just until she got to the hospital.

She felt a pair of warm arms wrap around her, pulling her body towards warmth. “Stay with me.” She heard a voice that sounded a lot like Spencer. It was getting harder to stay awake. Spencer could tell by her slow haggard breathing that she was going to drift into sleep at anytime. So, he kept shaking her and talking to her as the medics moved her onto the stretcher. However, she was comforted by Spencer’s presence and she surrendered to sleep.

The doctor ordered her to stay for a couple of weeks. The team would visit her, but she didn’t talk much. If it wasn’t for the drugs, she wouldn’t be sleeping as well. The trauma kept her in a sullen mood. Although her wounds were physically healing, the emotional scars left behind kept taunting her. Just like the taunting laughter from her torturer.

Once she was discharged from the hospital, she was ordered by Hotch to see the office’s psychologist. She disobeyed once, and she wanted to spare herself the embarrassment. However, going to the shrink would mean she would have to admit that she was a victim. She wasn’t ready for that acceptance. All she wanted to do was get back to work, but Hotch refused to sign off on her return until she saw a shrink. So, she ended up locking herself in her apartment.

Tears pool at the rim of her eyes as she curled up bed. It’s not supposed to feel like this. The realization sank in and all the suppressed emotions were submerging as well as her tears. Her face crumpled up, her hand flying up to cover her contorted face. She felt defeated by this sadness and she refuse to accept that she was a victim. What started as hurt, was quick to emerge into a wild storm, and she didn’t have an outlet for this rage. She just wanted them to understand.

The team gave her some space to recover. Hotch called in a couple of times to check in. However, when she revealed that she still hadn’t seen the shrink, he would cut the call short. Stubbornness was a quality that all the team members had, so Hotch sent in reinforcements. He thought Garcia would be the best fit, but when she returned with a look of defeat, he knew it was going to be a challenge. Hotch knew that she wanted to return to the office badly, but there were protocol he had to follow. Plus, he knew from experience that it was unhealthy to keep it all bottled in.

Hotch knew that Spencer was quite close to her. In fact, they were quite close in age. Spencer volunteered to check in on her first, but Hotch had sent Garcia, thinking the spunky tech would easily convince her. When that plan failed, he had no choice but to send Spencer. Spencer had been calling every hour, trying to get her to talk to him. He had probably left over 20 voicemails. None of which were returned.

Numb and sore. She spent days crying and throwing punches into her bed. Tears stained her dull face. Although she was awake, her half opened eyes stared stoically into a tiny dent on the wall. She’s done nothing but lay in bed for a whole week, yet there wasn’t an ounce of energy in her. She couldn’t even muster the energy to turn onto her back. She has just lost all motivation to pull herself together. It wasn’t unusual that she didn’t answer their messages for the first few days, but as a couple of days turned to a second week of no contact, the team started to worry.

Spencer was getting antsy as he waited outside the agent’s apartment. He had been banging on the door for 10 minutes. He knew she was home, he could hear her phone ringing inside. Fed up with being ignored, he took out a kit and picked the lock. Emily had taught him a while back. This wasn’t exactly how he wanted to show off, but at least he could finally test his skills. With an inhale and a long exhale, he steadied his hands and picked the lock to her apartment. Once he heard a click, he burst in and swung the door shut, hard.

“You can’t just lock yourself away and not answer any calls!” Spencer shouted as his feet stomped toward the bedridden agent.

Hearing the familiar voice, she sighed and sat up. She had never heard his voice so high-pitched. She recognized that she wasn’t being fair to him, to all of them. Truthfully, she was more angry at herself than him.

“I was told to take time off, so I’m doing it.” She answered him.

His eyes darted around her, as if he was in a panic. He could barely make eye contact with her, but when he did, it wouldn’t last more than a second. Spencer rarely lost his temper, but when he did, it was a sight to see.

“Could you at least let us know that you’re alright?” He asked, but in a demanding tone.

“I am alright! I am dealing with it. I’ll get over it.” She shouted, in a fit of rage.

Her outburst shocked Spencer. He had never seen her use that kind of voice with him. He recognized the hurt in her tired eyes. It was hard to see her bottle up that pain. He felt the ache of a thousand heartbreaks as her face contorted. She was trying to fight back the tears that were starting to pool in her eyes. He could see her world crumbling into destruction and he understood.

“You don’t have to get over it.” He said in a more gentler voice.

Her knees curled up to her chest as she shook her head. No, she had to get over it. She had to, otherwise she would never move on.

“I just want to come back.” She whispered.

He sighed and sat at the edge of her bed. He knew how boring it could be to wait. 

“We want you to come back, but you have to see a psychologist first. Promise me you’ll see him. Hotch will never let you come back if you don’t see him. You know it’s procedure.” He explained.

She knew he was right. Spencer was always right. This is why she kept ignoring his calls. She knew that he always had a way of persuasion. So there she sat, across from the psychologist that the team members have sat across multiple times. The office was rather small, but cozy from the choice of furniture. The doctor had purposely designed the office to make visitors feel welcomed and comfortable.

“Are we just going to sit here and stare at each other?” She rolled her eyes.

Her back leaned back into the dusty orange soft cushion. She shifted uncomfortably in the chair, avoiding the psychologist’s searching eyes. It wasn’t the first time the doctor had a distant agent sit across from him. So, he only casually shrugged. He sat comfortably in his chair, patiently waiting for his visitor to open up.

“I’m ready when you are. You’re here to talk and open up.” He said, softly.

“Talk about what?” She asked, irritated by his vagueness.

“Anything.” He replied, urging her to speak her mind.

She took a moment to think, to assess her options. The problem with seeing a shrink, is that if she were to say the wrong thing, she might end up staying home longer. It was a risk, but his encouragement caused her mind to drift to the moment before she slipped into sleep. She understood that he was there to help her, yet it was hard to trust him.

“When you’re on the brink of death, you start assessing your life. Your regrets, the people you’ve met, the people you’ve hurt… lost. Then the people you care about, and how many of them are left.” She started.

Her eyes stared off, lost in her thoughts. Her eyes welled up as her mind replayed that night. The frustration with herself and the therapist were running high. She wanted to get the session over with so she could return to the office. What had happened, cannot be changed. She saw no use in trying to dwell in the past. All she wanted to do was move on, and start using her time more productively. Thankfully, after a couple of sessions, the shrink signed off.

She was relieved when she got a call for a new case after a week, which meant she was allowed to get back to work. She was nervous returning to the precinct. She was prepared for lingering eyes, watching her from a distance. However, the minute she walked in, she was greeted by Hotch’s surprisingly welcoming smile. She felt a sense of relief wash over, maybe he wasn’t mad at her anymore

“Did you see the shrink yet?” Hotch asked. She nodded quietly, still somewhat embarrassed.

“Good, so how are you feeling?” He asked, observing closely to her reaction.

She politely smiled and replied, “Better, much better.”

He nodded back waved the file in his hands. “Got a case, let’s meet the others.”

She was prepared for the rest of team’s reaction. She was expecting awkwardness and cautious eyes, but she was greeted with smiles and hugs. She felt silly as she took a seat next to JJ. Perhaps, all she needed was time to readjust. Every night, she would wake up covered in sweat from nightmares from that night. She told herself that time was what she needed. That was what she thought at first, but as days bled into weeks, she couldn’t hide her exhaustion anymore.

Hotch pulled her aside and spoke to her about her trouble with sleep. No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t shake the tormenting nightmares. Hotch encouraged her to take some more time off to heal. However, she was never one to show vulnerability. She hated looking like she couldn’t do this job, she wanted to be strong like everyone else. Hotch knew that Spencer had a way of persuasion when it came to her. He spoke to him and asked him to talk her into taking some time off or maybe just a talk to help her.

“Hey, so are you still having those nightmares?” Spencer tried to casually approach her when she was making coffee.

When she looked up, he saw the dark circles under her bloodshot eyes. Her fingers tapped against her coffee mug, signs of the caffeine making her jittery.

“Who told you? Hotch?” She asked in a quiet voice.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Spencer asked in a hushed voice. She sighed and her head hung in defeat.

“Because I don’t want to be continuously reminded that I was a victim.” She replied, in the same hushed tone.

“You know I wouldn’t…” He assured her.

She sighed again and faced Spencer with those tired eyes. She figured he would say that. It wasn’t a mystery that her team members would be by her side without question. Yet, in the back of her mind, she had convinced herself that she would be a burden.

“Everyone says that… But then they start to keep an eye on you, then it turns into making excuses to take me home and picking me up. I just don’t want people to keep looking at me like a victim. I just want to move on.” She explained.

Spencer understood her position, because he was once in her shoes. Although he understood, it worried him more because he knew how destructive it could be to her health.

“They say that it helps, when you talk to someone about it.” He suggested.

His hands intertwined, fingers weaved together as his hands rested on the counter. His thumb nervously twiddled as he prepared for what he was going to say.

“You know… I’m here.” He offered a timid smile.

“Of course, I know.” She nodded, returning the smile.

“How about dinner? Rizzo’s” He suggested.

“Tonight?” She asked with a soft smile.

He nodded eagerly with a bright warm smile in response. This was good. Revisiting places with good memories might help her feel normal. 

“Sure. Yeah, that sounds great.” She agreed.


End file.
